


This Christmas

by FallingLikeThis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Adult Harry, Adult Louis, Angst, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Flashbacks, Getting Back Together, Hopefully Humor, M/M, No Smut, POV Alternating, Post-Break Up, Same Age, Teenage Harry, Teenage Louis Tomlinson, talk of parental divorce, talk of parental remarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-09-26 22:15:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17150060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingLikeThis/pseuds/FallingLikeThis
Summary: The door swings wide and he’s already got a broad smile in place for whichever remaining guest is arriving now. But his grin falls, only to be replaced by astonishment when he sees who’s standing on the other side of the door. “Louis?”Louis Tomlinson, the boy Harry had loved and lost ten years ago, stands on Harry’s front step looking beautiful and just as shocked as Harry. He blinks owlishly. “Harry?”





	This Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dimpled_halo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimpled_halo/gifts).



> Special thank you to my beta for reading over this when I gave them the chance. And to all my cheerleaders who kept me going!
> 
> A/N: This jumps from one night in the present to several different scenes in the past. 
> 
> All mistakes are my own.

**Christmas 2018**

 

“Hello, Mrs. Padalecki,” Harry greets the elderly woman at his mother’s front door with a fond grin and sweet kiss to the cheek. She’s one of the last guests expected to arrive at their annual Christmas party and Harry was worried for a moment she wouldn’t be able to make it.

“Harry, dear,” Mrs. Padalecki smiles, pulling him in for warm hug. “It’s so good to see you again.”

Mrs. Padalecki has been neighbours with Harry’s family for nearly 20 years. Harry grew up helping her plant perennials in her garden and having tea and jam tarts on her back porch. He loves the woman like his own grandmother. Even when she pinches his cheeks.

“Look at how handsome you’ve gotten,” she coos, pinching his cheek as expected.

Harry smiles softly at her antics. He’s missed her since he moved to London. “Why thank you, madam,” he says politely, helping her out of her coat, “but not nearly as lovely as you have.”

“Charmer,” she swats at him playfully, as he hangs up her coat by the front door.

“I only speak the truth,” he says, pretending to be mildly offended as he places her hand on his arm so that he can guide her to his parents. “Mother’s been waiting impatiently for your arrival. I believe she said she found that gingerbread recipe you’ve been asking after.”

“Well, that will be lovely,” Mrs. Padalecki says, speeding up her steps when she sees Anne on the other side of the room.

“Mother,” Harry interrupts the chat his mother and sister are having to announce Mrs. Padalecki. Anne and Gemma take turns hugging her and Harry’s heart warms at the sight. He doesn’t have time to dwell on it long before the doorbell rings again, beckoning him away.

“Duty calls. Please, excuse me,” he tells them regretfully, bowing out of the conversation they’ve started to go answer the door.

The door swings wide and he’s already got a broad smile in place for whichever remaining guest is arriving now. But his grin falls, only to be replaced by astonishment when he sees who’s standing on the other side of the door. “Louis?”

Louis Tomlinson, the boy Harry loved and lost ten years ago, stands on Harry’s front step, looking beautiful and just as shocked as Harry. He blinks owlishly. “Harry?”

 

**Summer 2007**

 

“Promise me we won’t drift apart.” Harry doesn’t give Louis the time to respond before he’s kissing him again, all lips and teeth and tongue but also love and fear and desperation. “Promise me.”

“Baby, there’s no way,” Louis tells him, petting at his hair when Harry lowers his head to rest on Louis’ shoulder. “Nothing in this world could come between us.”

He can feel it when Harry relaxes against him, secure in Louis’ faith in them. They’ve only been together for a little over a year but they’d danced around their feelings for each other for another year before that. They’ve had so little time to just be in love and tonight is their last night together before going separate directions for uni.

“I’m going to hate being away from you every minute,” Harry mutters grumpily. He’s been rather melancholy ever since they got into different schools.

“Well, yeah. You’ve always hated being away from me,” Louis chuckles. “Haven’t given me a moment’s peace since I moved here.”

“Heeeey!” Harry pouts, slapping halfheartedly at his chest. “Don’t feel like you have to say it back or anything.”

Louis laughs again but stops when he sees that Harry’s actually upset. “Hey,” he runs his hand up Harry’s arm, trying to stop his boyfriend from giving him the silent treatment. “Baby, look at me.” Louis tucks two fingers under Harry’s chin to lift his gaze to him. Harry stares back petulantly. “Every single moment I’m away from you is going to feel like my soul’s been ripped in half. You’re my soulmate, love. I will never be the same without you.”

Harry’s eyes shine with unshed tears as he crushes his mouth against Louis’. “I love you,” he breathes into Louis’ lips. And again against his skin. And again into the night air as they make love for the last time before they separate.

 

**Christmas 2018**

 

Louis blinks away the memory of that night, their last _truly good_ night as he stares at his ex, standing in the doorway of his childhood home. “I didn’t know you were going to be here,” Louis says lamely.

“Oh.” All the shock of seeing Louis again melts from Harry’s face, swiftly replaced by a blank mask of indifference. “Well, it’s lovely to see you again, Louis. Please, come in.” He opens the door for Louis, ushering him inside and offering to take his coat.

The coat Louis isn’t wearing.

“Um,” Louis glances down at his arms. He’s wearing a nice, blue jumper but no coat. Because he’d only had to walk from his parents’ house across the street.

Harry clears his throat. “Right yeah,” he says with pink cheeks. “Sorry.”

Louis can’t help remember those cheeks going pink for different reasons. Sure he liked to pick on Harry and make him color with embarrassment. Pink has always looked good on him, whether he be flushed from embarrassment, rosy from shyness, or hot from exertion. He shakes the thought away, clearing his own throat which has gone dry from the mental images. “So, it’s been a long time,” he says, nervously clasping his hands together in front of him.

“Yeah, it has.”

Louis hates the way they’re so awkward with each other right now. In their entire friendship turned relationship, it was never as awkward as this. Even when they broke up, it wasn’t like this. Heart wrenching, yes. Awkward, no. Louis sighs, letting his hands drop to his sides. “Is it okay that I’m here, Harry?” He asks, watching Harry’s face for his reaction. No matter what words spill from his lips, Louis knows he’ll be able to read the truth from Harry’s face. Harry’s always had a terrible poker face.

“Yeah, of course,” Harry answers immediately, brow furrowing at Louis’ question like he’s insulted that Louis might think he’s not wanted. It makes Louis smile softly. Even after all they’ve been through and how their love died a slow death from neglect when they’d both promised to keep it strong, Harry can still stand having Louis in his presence.

“Good,” Louis says, glancing around the room for the person who had invited him in the first place. He sees her notice him at the doorway, her eyes going wide when she sees him talking with Harry before she tries to duck behind her mother to hide from him. He returns his gaze to Harry and gives him an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I didn’t expect you. When Gemma invited me, she said she didn’t think you were going to make it home this year.”

Harry twists to look at his sister. He knows exactly where to find her and quickly zeroes in on her, literally hunched behind her baffled mother. “Troublemaker,” he mutters, making Louis chuckle. Louis and Gemma did like to get into trouble together when Harry wasn’t around to stop them and take up all of Louis’ attention. The title suits her well.

“Well, even if she _was_ trying to cause trouble, I’m glad she did it,” Louis tells Harry, utterly sincere in his words. “It’s really good to see you again, Harry.”

Harry bites his lip at Louis’ words, lashes fanning his cheeks as he looks at the floor rather than Louis’ face when he says, “You too, Lou.” He looks up and his eyes are sparkling as they meet Louis’, a smile hidden at the corner of his lips.

It’s a smile that makes Louis’s heart speed up. After all these years, his heart’s not used to that. But it is used to the longing that he feels expanding in his chest, a need to get closer, to hold Harry one more time. That’s a feeling that never really went away.

 

**Fall 2007**

 

Harry hurries back to his dorm room from the library, huddled up in his raincoat with his books clutched to his chest. He really should have brought his bag with him so his books wouldn’t get wet but he was in a hurry to get in and out of study group because he knows Louis is supposed to skype him tonight and he wants to be able to give his boyfriend his full concentration. It’s difficult finding a time that works for them both now that they’re so far away from each other and Harry hates when they have to end things abruptly because one of them has a paper to finish or a test to study for.

“Hey, roomie,” Harry’s roommate, Niall, says as soon as Harry walks in.

“Hey, Niall,” Harry breathes out, not really paying his roommate any attention as he tosses his books on his bed and pulls out his computer, setting it up at his desk. Only when he realizes that he’s dripping all over it does he tear off the raincoat and toss it into the corner.

“Oh, it’s date night, I see,” Niall wiggles his eyebrows at Harry, chuckling when Harry doesn’t even stop to give him an unimpressed look while he hurries back to his desk. “Do I need to make myself scarce?”

Harry does stop at that, glancing up at Niall from where he’s sat at his desk with his computer out and Skype opened expectantly on his screen. “Actually, if you really wouldn’t mind, that would be great.”

“Say no more, friend,” Niall bounces up off of his bed and grabs his knapsack. He squeezes Harry’s shoulder as he passes. “Have a good date night.”

“Thanks,” Harry tells him, muttering under his breath once the door is closed, “Can’t be worse than last time.”

With a sigh, he turns back to his computer. The only thing to do now is wait and hope that he hasn’t cursed them by saying that. Last time, Louis’ housemates had decided to throw a party. Besides hearing the thumping bass from the speakers blaring outside of Louis’ room, kissing and/or groping couples had kept bursting through the door looking for a private place to have their fun times. Louis’ door didn’t lock so he couldn’t stop them but even when he’d put a sign up, people hadn’t paid attention. Eventually, they had just given up on skyping for the night. Harry doesn’t think he can take something like that again so soon. He needs to see his boyfriend.

A glance at the clock tells him that Louis is already three minutes late calling. Harry whines at the back of his throat. He misses Louis, dammit. Why does it feel like Louis doesn’t miss him quite as much?

At 13 minutes past the hour, Louis’ name finally shows up on Harry’s screen. It feels like a bad omen but maybe Harry is just being pessimistic because he’s grumpy at being left waiting. He answers the call and crosses his arms over his chest.

“Hey, baby,” Louis says with a smile as soon as the picture clears. “God, it’s good to see you.”

“Yeah.” It is good to see Louis too. He’s so handsome laying on his bed and Harry misses him so much, so he fights the urge to say, _it would have been nicer thirteen minutes ago_. They don’t have time for that kind of thing. And seeing Louis smiling at him the way he is makes Harry melt a little. Or a lot. His arms drop from their defensive hold over his chest and leans his elbow on the desk, resting his chin in his hand with a sigh. “I miss you,” he says, working up to a genuine smile.

“Me too. Miss you like crazy, baby.” Louis stares at him with a sappy expression on his face and Harry loves him so much. “How’s everything going over there?”

“Okay, I guess. Too slow,” Harry complains with a pout. “How long until I get to see you in person?”

“Christmas, darling. Just a few months away. I can’t wait,” Louis promises, kissing his fingers and touching his camera. Harry imagines he can feel it, the soft touch of Louis’ fingertips, the flutters in his stomach that Louis’ kisses never fail to cause.

Harry pouts his lips at the camera and blows a kiss back.

Louis pretends to catch it and press it to his heart.

“I do love you, but that’s not what I was kissing,” Harry laughs.

“Ooh,” Louis smirks. “Let me take off my trousers and you can send me another.”

“Oh my god, you’re terrible.” Harry covers his face as he laughs at his boyfriend.

“I’m _getting naked._ ”

Harry peaks between his fingers and it’s true. Louis is shirtless. His heart pounds harder. It’s been a while since they’ve been able to be intimate when it didn’t involve sexting, a hiding place, and a good imagination. “Should I…?” Harry gestures to his own shirt.

“Hell yes, I’ve missed seeing my hot boyfriend’s naked body.”

Harry can feel himself blush even as he smiles at Louis’ response. Louis licks his lips and palms himself through his trousers, reaching for the zipper with his other hand. And that’s when they’re interrupted, one of Louis’ roommates barging in to tell Louis that he’s sorry but one of their other roommates is in the ER with alcohol poisoning and they need to hurry up and get there.

“Sorry, Harry. I’ve gotta go,” Louis says apologetically, swiftly pulling his shirt back over his head. “I love you!, We’ll talk again soon!”

Before Harry can even say a word, Louis’ roommate is tossing him his shoes and pulling him from the room, Skype still open on his computer.

“I love you, too,” Harry tells the empty room, slumping back in his seat.

 

**Christmas 2018**

 

“Gemma, what the he—Halls! Deck the halls!” Harry stammers to his sister when Mrs. Padelecki walks by, lowering his voice once she’s gone. “What the hell were you playing at, inviting Louis and telling him I wouldn’t be here?”

Gemma shrugs, champagne flute held in front of her face like she’s trying to hide behind it. Harry wouldn’t put it past her. “I didn’t say you _wouldn’t_ be here, just that I didn’t know if you would.”

“Well, he was under the impression that it was likely I wouldn’t be,” Harry huffs, running a hand through his hair for probably the twentieth time in five minutes. It’s a nervous thing he does and he can’t seem to stop it now that Louis is here because Louis makes him nervous. At least, _this_ Louis does. This Louis that is even more gorgeous than his teenage self was with an attractive scruff on his cheeks and an air of confidence about him. This Louis that Harry doesn’t know anymore but that still causes a traitorous swooping sensation in his belly. “Why did you invite him, Gem?”

Gemma sighs, placing her drink down on the mantle so that she can put both hands firmly on Harry’s shoulders. “Look, I know you and Louis had this epic first love that died a slow and horrible death—“

“Thank you for that reminder,” Harry mutters wryly.

“But you have to get over it, Harry. You have to forgive him sometime,” Gemma tells him, ignoring his sarcasm.

“Forgive him? What, no. There’s nothing to forgive,” Harry argues, offended on Louis’ behalf. “It just… didn’t work out the way we wanted it to.” Just saying those words, remembering the end, makes Harry’s chest ache all over again.

“Okay.” Gemma pats her brother on the shoulder and nods her head in Louis’ direction. “But does _he_ know that?”

“Why wouldn’t he? He was there when we broke up?” Harry asks, glancing over at Louis again, just in time to catch him glancing back.

“He was there when _you_ broke up with _him,_ ” Gemma reminds him, sounding completely reasonable in that annoying way she always does. “If I remember correctly, it wasn’t a mutual decision. And didn’t he try to get you to talk it out for a while afterward?”

Harry bites his lip, hating having to rehash the painful memories. “Yeah, until I told him that I couldn’t do it because it hurt too much. Then he stopped trying.”

“So, maybe you both need a little closure,” Gemma suggests picking her drink back up to move away from her morose brother and further into the crowd. “And maybe you’ll thank me later.”

Harry snorts, rolling his eyes at his sister. She’s right though, they probably do need closure. And since Harry was the one to end it, perhaps that means it’s up to him to make the first gesture.

**Spring 2008**

 

Louis waves to Liam as he exits his Intro to Music Theory class. He’s got about an hour before his next class and he’s considering stopping at the café on the corner of campus for a tea before he heads over. He’s just made up his mind, leading his feet in that direction when he feels his phone buzzing in his pocket. He pulls it out to check the caller ID and smiles.

It’s Harry. He’s missed Harry a lot lately. Their calls and skype dates have been disasters the past few weeks, maybe even months, but Louis is just happy to hear his voice whenever he gets the chance, even if it’s only for a few minutes at a time.

Louis answers the phone already knowing how sappy his voice is going to sound and that he must be wearing a ridiculous-looking smile on his face. He doesn’t care even a little bit. Harry just does that to him. “Hey, baby. This is a pleasant surprise.”

On the other end of the line Harry coughs and Louis can hear him breathing but he doesn’t speak right away. It’s enough to concern Louis. “Harry?” He asks when he hears Harry sniffling. “Is everything okay, babe? Are you coming down with something?”

“No, Louis. I’m not sick, I’m just… Honestly, I don’t know what I am anymore,” Harry’s voice cracks when he answers, a thickness to his tone that Louis knows all too well. Everything slowly starts falling into place. The cough, the hesitance to speak, the sniffling. And now this.

“Harry, don’t,” Louis pleads, suddenly very clear about why Harry is calling. “Please don’t do this.”

Harry hiccups once and sniffs again. “It’s not working, Louis,” he cries softly. “I don’t want to lose you but it hurts too much trying to keep you.”

“We’ll both work harder, baby,” Louis tries to convince him desperately. Maybe he’s trying to convince himself a little too. “I swear, we can make this work if we both work harder.”

“You’ve said that before, Louis,” Harry reminds him. And he’s right. When he had complained just a few weeks ago about not being able to talk as much as they wanted to, not being able to have skype dates without someone interrupting, Louis had swore then that he’d try harder to make it work. Something just always seems to be getting in their way. Harry sighs wetly, and Louis’ heart cracks down the middle. “Maybe… Maybe it’s just not our time, Lou. Maybe we’ll get another chance someday, in the future. But maybe now isn’t it.”

“ _Every time_ is our time,” Louis argues. He refuses to believe that the universe put him and Harry together and didn’t intend for them to spend their whole lives that way. “We’re soulmates, remember?” The two halves of Louis heart both start to crumble when Harry doesn’t answer. “Harry, please. Just give us another chance. Just one more.”

“ _Lou_ ,” Harry whines and Louis can hear him start crying again. “I love you, okay? I’ll always love you.”

That doesn’t sound like an agreement. That sounds like a goodbye.

“Harry,” Louis tries again. He’ll stand here and plead and bargain with Harry all day if it will keep them from breaking up.

“Maybe we can try again after we graduate,” Harry interrupts, hiccupping again. “I’m sorry, Louis. _I’m sorry_.”

Louis can hear the moment the line goes dead. He stands there with his phone to his ear, listening to empty air. It’s fitting he thinks because he’s feeling pretty empty himself right now. Finally, he lets his arm drop to his side, and turns away from the campus café. He doesn’t get tea and he doesn’t go to class. Instead, he goes back to his room and climbs into bed and cries for the next three days straight.

 

**Christmas 2018**

 

Maybe Louis is imagining it, but he thinks he keeps catching Harry looking at him.

He keeps trying to chat with Mr. Edelstein, his favorite teacher from Secondary School, but he’s distracted every time he sees a certain head of curly hair move from the corner of his eye.  He’s tempted to just excuse himself and go talk to Harry. It wouldn’t be that awkward, would it?

But something keeps Louis from crossing the room. It’s not politeness or even fear. Maybe it’s just avoidance. Because seeing Harry again has brought up so many old feelings and memories that Louis’ isn’t sure it’s in his best interest to revel in. Sure, he remembers the pain of their separation and eventual break up too, things that hurt far too much to want to face again. But the good times, the playful banter and the stolen kisses and the sheer amount of love they’d felt for one another overshadows all the heartbreak. Some heartbreaks are worth enduring. Harry was worth the risk and Louis would do it all again in a heartbeat if he had the chance to go back. Even knowing how it would end. He wouldn’t trade his time with Harry for anything.

He’s just managed to give poor Mr. Edelstein his full attention again when there’s the tinkling of a spoon on the side of a glass and Harry’s mother announces that dinner is served in the dining room. Everyone slowly makes their way to the spacious dining room that has more than enough room for half the town.

Looking around the room, it’s not the first time that Louis is in awe of the Styles-Twist household. He still wonders at how he even ended up in Harry’s life when his less than wealthy family moved into the small two story house across the street in a mostly affluent neighborhood. He likes to think fate or the universe or _someone_ made a space specifically for him. Like he and Harry were _meant_ to meet.

Louis ambles into the room behind his former teacher and Mrs. Padalecki. The old lady has pinched his cheek at least three times so far and Louis loves her dearly but really hopes she’s gotten it out of her system because his cheek is starting to ache. Still, he follows her to the table, pulling out the chair behind the place setting with her name on it and endures another cheek pinch as she thanks him for being so sweet. He smiles at her as he pushes her chair up to the table once she’s seated but the second she’s settled, he moves away, replacing his smile with a wince as he rubs his sore cheek and seeks out his own seat.

While he’s still rubbing at his poor cheek, Louis happens to glance up and sees Harry smirking at him from across the table. He was obviously watching the whole exchange with Mrs. Padalecki. His smirk grows to a full blown smile, playful and beautiful as he drops his gaze to the table, a silent laugh shaking his shoulders. Louis finds that Harry’s mirth is contagious and he’s smiling without even thinking about it as he searched the table for a place setting with his name on it.

After travelling around the whole table, Louis finally finds his seat. Right next to Harry.

Harry glances up at him, the hint of a smile still on his lips.

“Long time, no see,” Louis quips as he pulls out his own chair. It feels like maybe they’re okay to do that, what with the way Harry’s looking at him and trying to bite down on a laugh.

“Gee, I wonder how you got such an excellent seat at this here shindig,” Harry muses, pointedly looking past Louis to the head of the table where Anne stands in front of her chair watching the two of them with a prideful shimmer to her eyes before slyly letting her gaze trail over the rest of her guests like she wasn’t just focused on them.

“You’re mum’s a part of this scheme too?” Louis leans close to whisper, surprised. He wouldn’t put it past Gemma to try pushing the two of them together again when an opportunity arose, but he never would have expected Anne to be in on it. He tilts his head, reconsidering. “She did always love me though.”

“You know, her favorite thing about you was your humble nature,” Harry tells him wryly, a teasing sparkle his eyes.

“No doubt. That’s always been my best quality,” Louis nods, enjoying the way Harry tries not to smile at him but the dimple in his cheek gives away the fact that he wants to. He remembers causing that very same reaction so many times in the past. Seeing it again feels his head with memories and his heart with hope. Louis still remembers the words that Harry had said to him when they had broken up. That maybe they’d get another chance in the future. He looks at Harry next to him, a little older, perhaps wiser and more patient, but ultimately still the same man that Louis fell in love with so long ago. Maybe this is that chance.

At the head of the table, Anne quiets everyone with the tinkling of a glass again. She toasts to her guests and wishes them all a happy holiday and then everyone is free to eat.

Harry and Louis talk as they pass food back and forth, asking questions about the things they’ve missed in each other’s lives. It should be weird. It should be awkward and at least mildly uncomfortable. But it isn’t. They fall back into old patterns like the ten years they spent apart never happened. Louis’ old feeling had started flaring up the moment he saw Harry at the front door, burning on a low simmer when they’d been a room apart from each other. But now, so close, feeling the warmth of his smile and seeing the light in his eyes again, Louis can admit that his heart is racing at the desire he feels.

He’s had boyfriends in the past ten years. A fair few, in fact. But none of them ever evoked feelings like this. No, this feeling has always belonged to Harry. Harry is the relationship Louis has compared all others to. And none of them have ever measured up.

He finds himself wondering if it’s been the same for Harry. And hoping that he isn’t in this alone.

 

**Christmas 2012**

 

“Come here, babe.” Harry’s boyfriend drags him down onto the sofa as he’s trying to walk past.

Harry sighs and lets him. He’s been running full steam ahead for the past month. Things at work have been sucking so much and to try and make himself feel better, he’s been throwing himself into getting ready for Christmas. Now, here it is, and he’s not letting himself enjoy it.

Pouting silently, Harry cuddles into his boyfriend’s side. Evan has been his rock for the last few months while he’s been dealing with the proverbial ax hanging over his head at his job. He was hired on after his internship ended at _Emote Magazine_ but that dreaded word “rebranding” has been floating around the rumor mill and there have been so many lay-offs lately that Harry is surprised he still has a job with each day that passes. Of course, that just leads to more anxiety.

“You alright?” Evan murmurs against his hair, hugging Harry close.

“Yeah,” Harry lies, staring at the Christmas tree all lit up and pretty in the corner. He doesn’t know why he lies. He shouldn’t. There’s no reason to. If Evan didn’t want to know, if he wasn’t willing to listen to Harry’s grievances and then offer to talk it out or distract him from it, he wouldn’t have asked. And the truth is, Harry thinks he _should_ be fine. At least here at home. He has everything he could want here. He should be happy to have boyfriend who loves him. And they’re good together, they are. But it feels like something is missing. He’s felt like something is missing for a long time.

He closes his eyes and tries to enjoy the feeling of his boyfriend’s arms around him. Tries his best not to imagine a different set of arms. Tan arms, one covered in nonsensical tattoos, half of which Harry talked him into. Arms with delicate wrists and wicked fingers. Arms that Harry walked away from when it got too hard to wait for them to return to him.

Harry opens his eyes. There’s a heaviness in his heart and tears in his eyes. He carries so much regret on his shoulders. Regret from walking away from the love of his life, regret for letting anyone else think that they could possibly fill the hole in Harry life that remained. And regret for what he has to do now.

He sits up, pulling out of Evan’s arms and turns to his soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, tears already rolling down his cheeks. “Evan, I’m sorry but we need to talk…”

 

**Christmas 2018**

 

Dinner is over. It’s been over for about half an hour but some people are still milling about chatting and enjoying each other’s company until they have to leave to go home. Harry watches Louis chat with his mother, thanking her for hosting such a wonderful party and inviting him to it. They now know better than to think Gemma planned this on her own. 

Harry should be paying attention to what he’s doing, standing by the door to hand people their coats and wish them ‘Happy Holidays’ when they leave the party. But the thing it, he can’t seem to take his eyes off of Louis and his mother. Anne still looks so fond of Louis. Hell, _Harry’s_ still fond of him. More than fond. Even after only a few hours he feels like his heart is already reaching for Louis again, trying to pull him across the room.

“Gemma,” Harry pulls his sister aside when he sees her standing nearby.

“What? What is it?” She asks as she lets him pull her, concerned by the urgency in his tone.

“Take over for me?” He asks, only barely managing to offer her a glance before his stare finds its way back to Louis.

“Ohhhhh,” She smirks, following his gaze. “Not so mad at me now, are you? Do I get to that thank you, now?”

“Maybe later,” Harry murmurs, giving in to his heart and letting it pull him. In all their years apart, no one has ever drawn him to them like Louis did from the very first moment. Like Louis still draws him in. Harry doesn’t know how he went ten years without him.

 

**Christmas 2006**

 

Louis isn’t sure he’s going to like it in Holmes Chapel. He stands on the balcony outside the room that he claimed in their new house and looks at the houses that surround his. They’re all bigger. Probably filled with rich families that will be stuck up and want nothing to do with him and his barely managing family. He sighs, leaning on the railing. He’d had friends in Doncaster. He’d had a _father_. But then his parents’ divorce had been finalized and now here he is.

Across the street, a pretty boy runs out of his house. He stumbles, nearly falling over and Louis nearly calls out to him. He wants to ask if he’s alright, but he can hear the boy sobbing even from his spot on his balcony, can see the way he wipes at his eyes with the sleeves of his shirt. He should give the boy some privacy, he decides and turns to go back into his room. But he doesn’t. He stops. He can’t leave until he knows the boy will be alright.

Louis moves back to the railing and, after glancing down at the boy one last time, he deliberately turns away. He’ll stay. But he won’t watch. Instead, he looks at the moon, trying to trace where he thinks the face of the man in the moon is with his eyes even though there’s only a thin sliver of the moon visible. Maybe the man in the moon will be his friend here. Maybe he’ll spend his night on his balcony sharing his secrets with the moon. He bets the moon can keep a secret.

There’s movement at the corner of Louis’ eye and he has to force himself not to turn to it. A wet sniffle that sounds nearby breaks the quiet again and still Louis stares at the moon. The boy deserves his privacy.

“Hi,” the boy calls up to him. So, maybe he doesn’t want privacy. He’s so close, he’s nearly standing in Louis’ garden now.

Louis looks at him, the streetlights coloring his features, and realizes that he was wrong before. The boy isn’t pretty. He’s breathtaking.

Forcing air into his lungs, Louis smiles down at him. “Hi.”

“You live here now?” the boy asks him, wiping at his face with his sleeve again.

“Yeah, I’m Louis.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Louis. I’m Harry,” the boy, Harry, tells him.

There’s something in his eyes when he looks at Louis that makes Louis feel like shivering. It’s a weird feeling but he thinks it may be a good one.

“Are you okay?” Louis asks, his concern for the boy returning now that he’s allowed to acknowledge him.

Harry kind of gives Louis a half shrug. “I thought I was, but I guess I’m not really.”

“Do you want to come up and talk about it?”

So, Harry and Louis end up laying on a nest of blankets and pillows on Louis’ balcony as they talk.

Harry tells Louis how his mom had announced her engagement to her boyfriend, Robin, at a Christmas party and Harry had realized quite suddenly that it was news he hadn’t been ready for. It had been a surprise even to him. He likes Robin. Loves him even and knows he’s good to Harry’s mom. Just… the announcement had stirred something in Harry. He hadn’t realized that he’d been holding on to the hope of his parents getting back together.

“So, I came outside to get some air and then I saw you up here,” Harry tilts his head, looking at Louis with wide, inquisitive eyes. “What were you doing out here?”

“Considering making friends with the man in the moon,” Louis answers, gesturing to waxing crescent moon overhead.

Harry watches the sky quietly for a moment before tilting his head in Louis’ direction. “Nah. You don’t need him now.”

Louis smirks at Harry. “What, you want the job?”

“Think I might,” Harry answers softly.

The brush of something against Louis’ pinky distracts him for a moment and he glances down toward the space between them. Harry’s hand rests right next to his, pinky outstretched just a little. Louis stretches his out too until his pinky brushes Harry’s.

“Alright, Curly,” Louis says fondly, turning back stare up at the moon. “It’s yours.”

 

**Christmas 2018**

 

The party is officially over, Gemma had handed out the last coat a few minutes ago, but Louis seems to be taking his sweet time making his way toward the door. He’s the last to leave and Harry is happy to help him find any excuse to stay just a little bit longer.

Eventually, Louis glances at his watch and must decide that it’s time to say goodbye. He hugs Anne and Gemma, saying thank you again, and then moves toward the door that Harry is now standing in front of. Maybe he’s trying to block Louis’ exit but he’ll never admit it out loud.

“it was so good to see you and catch up, Harry,” Louis tells him, hugging him like they’re old friends. And they are, Harry supposes, but they used to be far more than that too. Maybe that’s what makes it so hard to let go. Over the course of the night, those old sparks have come burning back to life. It’s a fire Harry wants to nourish and help grow.

When they break apart Harry can’t keep his eyes off of Louis’ lips. He want to kiss him. Wants to be _allowed_ to kiss him again.  And maybe he’s wrong, but it appears that Louis is having the same problem with his gaze catching on Harry’s lips.

“We could…”

“Do you want to…”

They speak at the same time and stop speaking at the same time.

“You first,” Louis says, hands fidgeting with the sleeves of his shirt.

Harry swallows hard. It’s difficult getting up the courage to ask what he wants to a second time.  “Um, Do you, maybe, want to stay? For a bit.”

“Yes,” Louis breathes out immediately, a smile crinkling his eyes. “I was going to say we could go somewhere if you wanted. Maybe get some tea and catch up. You know, more than we already have.”

Harry grins at him. He’s still the most beautiful boy that Harry has ever seen.

A throat clearing next to them breaks their attention from each other and they see Anne standing there, a smirking Gemma next to her. Anne arches an eyebrow at them and points above their heads. They look up both already knowing what they’ll find.

“Goodnight, boys,” Anne says with a smug little grin as she turns and heads up the stairs to her bedroom. Gemma laughs at them and follows, heading up to her own room.

Harry and Louis look at each other, neither making a move to get closer.

Louis blinks and looks away first. “We don’t have to,” he says, biting his lip. Harry could have sworn a moment ago that this was what they both wanted. But maybe Louis isn’t as certain that Harry wants it too. Maybe he needs to reassure him.

“Well,” Harry takes a deep breath, bringing up a hand to tilt Louis’ chin up. “I mean, it _is_ tradition.” He licks his lips.

Louis stares at Harry’s lips again. A mere moment that feels like lifetimes before he makes the move. He surges forward and presses his lips to Harry’s carefully, resting one hand softly against his cheek.

Harry kisses him back, hands on his waist. But when one chaste kiss simply isn’t enough, his hands end up gripping Louis’ back to pull him closer. Lips pressing for more, opening, offering. Louis accepts, taking everything Harry has to give and replacing it with his own offerings.

“Louis,” Harry breathes against his lips when they break apart.

“Harry,” Louis answers. Is it an answer? He thinks it is. Harry is the answer to all the important questions.

“Should we talk?” Harry asks, brushing his nose against Louis’ affectionately. “This is going somewhere, right?”

“I want it to,” Louis whispers against his lips, a sweet kiss following his words. “I’d go anywhere with you, Harry. _Anywhere_.”

Harry chuckles ruefully. “I don’t suppose we could go back to uni, could we?” He asks, tone tinged in bitterness. “Get back the ten years we lost because of me?”

“No, I don’t think we can,” Louis answers, cradling Harry’s face in both of his hands. “But it’s not your fault, love. You were right, Harry. It wasn’t our time then. We had so many other things to worry about, we weren’t ready for all that _and_ a relationship as serious as ours was.”

“We _were_ pretty serious, weren’t we?” Harry asks with a smile on his lips, enjoying the memory of just how deep their love went.

“I would have married you in a heartbeat,” Louis confesses, pulling Harry closer when the admission makes Harry whine and press forward to lick into his mouth.

They spend a few minutes pressed together, kissing ardently under the mistletoe. Louis’ eyes are glazed over, hazy with love and lust and possibility when Harry pulls back. He must look the same. _He must, b_ ecause he feels the same.

“Why don’t we see how you like being my boyfriend again first? We can talk about giving you a promotion to fiancé later.”

Louis smiles, tugging on one of Harry’s curls lightly. “Oh, is this a job offer?”

“Maybe,” Harry grins back. “You want the job?”

Louis captures both of Harry’s hands, tangling their fingers together.  

“Think I might.”

“Alright, Baby,” Harry brings Louis’ hand to his mouth to kiss the back of his knuckles. “It’s yours.”

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you loved it! :*
> 
> [Fic post](http://suddenclarityharry.tumblr.com/post/181470976717/this-christmas-6870-words-by-fallinglikethis)


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